I'm sorry to keep theme this up, but I kinda feel sad again. I haven't had one of those "attacks" for a long time now it feels like...of course it would be today.
Tonight, we had a dance for all the ninth-graders in our commune and I was there with some from my school. The whole night I've only been dancing with one person. Foxtrot, jitterbug (I think it's called in English?) and waltz. We've both have a really great night. There was a lot of fun, except for the fact that there was no chips or cola (like, what kind of party doesn't have snacks? xP), and we both admitted to each other that we enjoyed the night.
But...After the last dance, one of our classmates asked us to sit down on the couches he and a few others from our class was already sitting on. He said he had something to ask us and I already knew what it was about. "Are you two dating?"
We sat silent for a little while and he said that we didn't have to answer, but that it would mean that it was obvious that we're a couple. I (shy as I am) just shook my head and he wondered then if we was planning to do so or something, and I realized I had to tell them one thing...The fact that I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend.
After when I'd say goodbye to that friend of mine that I had been dancing with all night, I went to my best friend who had also been on the dance and whose parent would also give me a lift home. And I...cracked up, started crying as I hugged her. And I am still as I'm writing this. I don't know why, but I just feel like doing so and telling the world that I'm sorry. Scream it out loud and confess everything. I feel so helpless and stupid, that I don't deserve anything. I've been an idiot since sixth grade when we started to hang out. He's my friend but still...I make him go through all of this. He didn't deserve any of this pain. He hasn't done anything wrong, as I have.
I'm so sorry, and I mean it. Even if you say it's okay, that it doesn't matter that the others are talking about us, I'm incredibly sorry.
I feel like hugging him again. I want to feel that warmth of that moment when I finally gave him a hug right after the last dance...Can't the world just pause during that moment? When I didn't care about anything else than that...How I held my arms around him and when I felt his hands on my back going to embrace me as well. How everything around us disappeared and I didn't think about anything else...
I hate this world, this reality.
And if you manged to read the whole text and now finally are here in the text of just personal non-important stuff, thanks for taking your time. I'm glad that I'm not alone.
Listening to: Jason Walker - Echo/Ed Sheeran - I'm A Mess